Louise
There was a hint of gloom as she walked through the door; an unspoken urgency to find answers. Adjusting herself to the safety of the couch she slowly lifted her head and gave me a half grin – communicating that she didn’t know where to start. She was trying to hold her breath in, with the hopes of keeping the tears from flooding out. Keen on what these bound up emotions might be tied to I took the lead and began the questioning along those lines.
This was exactly what she was waiting for – someone giving her permission to spill it all out. And as she did I heard some of her “little girl” fears that have harnessed her all of her life. Her heart spoke of a deep longing for freedom, but no clue how to get there. Looking at the ceiling, she groaned, “Did I do the right thing? Am I really hearing You?”
I joined her as she questioned God, and I asked him to bring revelation. Moments in to that pray she spewed out, “I feel like I have an ax in my back.” Welcoming this interruption, I started the full-on investigation to find out how that “ax” got there; who put it there, and why it’s there. All questions that Holy Spirit can easily provide in his omniscient (all knowing) power. Based on her prior sessions, I was certain her anguish was directed at the desperate need to be the “rescuer.”
This dear one who had, long ago, taken on the role as the “rescuer” had been making plans to marry a man whom she had only dated a few weeks. Now she was feeling totally trapped in the fear that she was wrong. I reminded her of statements from past sessions: “ I’ll always be the rescuer, the peacemaker; carry the responsibility to make everyone happy .” I then asked if this could be related. “Oh yeah, and that may be why I felt I couldn’t break it off – I needed to keep him happy.”
It really got intense when she heard herself saying that she would marry him because “he needs me.” Even worse, “I cannot see myself married to him…maybe he will die within a year.” This is how these bitter roots can keep us captive, and how destructive they can be in relationships. The search began for the root cause of why she put herself in the position of being a savior. We reviewed her first years of life, relationships with primary people, and if she was keeping this commitment to this man based on her belief system of being a “rescuer.”
The 5th Commandment says, “Honor your father and mother so that it might go well with you.” It’s certainly is not going well with her! So we began looking for judgments made against the way they showed love (or didn’t); if they knew how to be there for her, and if she ever made a vow to never do the same.
During a moment of self discover she was alarmed to hear herself saying that her parents (actually) never rescued her. Then Holy Spirit exposed vows she made at a very young age: “I’ll deal with it on my own; I’m the peacemaker; it’s my duty to make everyone happy; I’ll do anything rather than take care of myself.” These vows kept her in bondage, and that day she realized she needed to confess she judged her parents, forgive them for not rescuing her, break the vows, invite Jesus to restore and transform, and send away any lying spirits. When she did she was freed from that place of extreme anxiety and some health related issues.
In the closing prayer I wanted to ask Jesus to rain on her, but instead I got the word “drape” and to tell her he was covering her. As I started – right out of nowhere – came one of those high desert, quite unusual, momentary downpours. Grinning, I took the cue, “Initially I was going to ask for rain, but the Lord held me back because you needed to know (first) that he was covering you. He is healing your “little girl” self-imposed belief system that was entirely void of Jesus (in this area), and is now transforming you in to a woman who knows she can have boundaries, can make wise decisions, and does not have to be burdened down with taking care of everyone. The truth is, the ax in your back was there to help you identify how painful it is when He is not allowed to be the Rescuer.
She became overwhelmed with the closeness of Father God. With freedom and clarity, she broke it off with this man, and the next week she said that ax was gone! When Jesus has no part in our decisions we can feel like there is an ax in our back, and as my client said, “It goes right to the heart.”
LouiseZ